What is this thing called love?

I've set up and put away my laptop at least 4 times today. That annoys me. I set it up to do 3 things, remembered only 2, put it away. Remembered the one thing I forgot, set it back up again, thought of something else to do, did that, forgot the one thing. Finally, I have done all I intended to remember to do, and now have something on my mind to write about, so here I am again.

So what is this thing called love? Psh... the word itself is so overused it makes me sick sometimes. "I looooovvveeee this pie!" "I loooooovvvveee your blouse!" I loooooovvvveeee _________!" and so it goes. Girls use it more. Obviously, because we are in love with love. But what is it really? It can't be just a cliche' as it is used, can it? It can't be the definition of the feeling you get when you taste, see, smell, touch, hear that something that you appreciate at a deeper level can it? Those feelings come and go.

For instance, I've been wearing a certain perfume for several years now and am beginning to lose my first love for it. Now, no one is going to condemn or judge me for deciding to switch things up a bit are they? I'm tired of it... it doesn't smell as nice. It's a little "young" for me... perhaps not, but still, I would like some new perfume. Is that wrong? Is my love failing? Did I love it to begin with? Why would I say "love" then? Love is more than that right?

If I were married ten years, woke up one morning, looked at my spouse and decided I wanted to see a new face beside me every morning, what would the love experts say then? Dictionary.com has a list ten feet long on what love is. Most seem to be about feelings people experience themselves. As if love is something you experience alone. Something that is or is not. The only hint of action in any of the definitions I read was the part where it explained love is what the Creator has for us, and what is "due" in return. That implies choice of giving... instead of some flighty, unreliable thing that perhaps may come for a visit and stay for awhile.

On the contrary, 1 Corinthians 13 talks about love in a completely different way. "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity (gross injustice, wickedness), but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all thing. Love never fails." What is this? Strange. No one else thinks love looks like this... at least not the dictionary. Or Wikipedia... what do they know. But don't we all associate love with these actions anyways? Or want to? I think we recognize it as Paul defines when we see it... but still we persist in the other definition of it. Then why not choose to act this way when we love someone? Wait, do we act this way before we love or after? Where does it begin? Does it end at any time? If Paul is right, then love doesn't end... love is doing for someone what you would have them do for you, no? The golden rule? What is that all about... something to do with neighbors and friends .... or is it lovers too? What is a lover according to this definition? Do I have to be old to know what this is? If I try to act this way to everyone and especially those I care for, then will I know what it means, truly?

Wikipedia says love is an "abstract concept." How can they be sure? It seems to me that love is more of an alive thing than some "abstract concept" conjured up in our own psyche to be molded to who we are and what we want.

Feelings, on the other hand are quite unpredictable and completely subjective "abstract concepts" that change definition by individual experience or judgment. So, who can know what love is? Those who experience it and tell us all about it, or should we take it from God who wrote about it quite often throughout His written word? We humans can be confused creatures... or quite often feel sure of something we have only experienced and therefore think everyone must feel the same thing or their version is the fake one. Or is every one's love the same and we just explain it differently? But than what if... our affection for someone a crush? infatuation? love? Blah! who can know?

I must conclude that the real thing called love can only be discovered to the fullest through a lifetime of acting the part and seeking to understand and know the Author of such a great work of art. That, my friend, is what I think this thing called love actually is. Now, for the lifetime of figuring it out...

Do you concur? Or disagree?

I think...

therefore I am. haha nope just kidding! fooled you guys didn't I. Well, anyways, I think I'm going to make it a point to blog more. Especially since I'm planning on school in January. Why especially since I'm planning on school in January? well... hmm... good question. Perhaps because thinking thoroughly about my own personal life helps my thought process anywhere else as well? Or maybe I'm just shootin' the breeze... that's probably more likely. heh...eh hem. Anyways, I'm going to blog more of my thoughts. It's fun.

To be strong or otherwise.

There has been some touchy something's in the air around here lately. Topics that no one wants to broach or confront. It's everywhere and in every relationship it seems. It's so hard for people to come right out and say what they mean... or mean what they say. Hard to decide which side of the fence they will stay on.. the side of facing things and being strong to stick with each good decision, or the side that's not sure about anything because they can't make a decision.. I know I find myself in this boat sometimes. It's nice when you can't pander to yourself in this state anymore though. Something comes up where there's real road choices to make. You know the whole fork in the road thing. It's hard to decide who you're going to be- it just is. You have to stand back from all influences and think hard. Think hard about where you want to be... where will these decisions lead you, what kind of person will they turn you into, how will they affect those you love, how will they affect those who look up to you without you even knowing? The list is endless. It's all about growing and maturing really. It's not easy. No one said it would be. And it IS necessary.

Just jump, darling

Hello again.

It rained again today and as I drove home, with the clear drops of water smacking against my slightly dinged windshield, I couldn't help but think. That's what rain does to me. It sinks me into a realm I rarely dare to tread in. Actually, that's an understatement. I like to think, but just don't take the time.

This summer has been quite a journey for me. A journey to learn to risk... not be afraid of taking a chance now and again. That's living after all. I can't expect everything to go the way I initially thought... that's just silly. But it's hard, oh so hard to let go of my personal thoughts and ideas.

Risk is taking hold of an offered hand to let them help you. Risk is singing when you feel like it or dancing even when the tune can only be heard by you. (grin, yes I've done this... too fun) Trust is a risk. Trusting that someone will be in the foxhole with you no matter what is something you can't guarantee will be unconditional beforehand. That's why it's trust. Trust or love. You could interchange those two sometimes. Both are hard, though one is more of a mystery than the other. Which is beautiful in a way I suppose. I bet most don't want to really think about it because if they did they'd have to accept that you can't wholly grasp what it is or how it works... it's a risk. Shutting your eyes and jumping.

Wednesday, Kevin was talking about how Peter got out of the boat and walked to Jesus... he abandoned his ship to walk on the water. Who does that? No one really. In fact, Peter briefly thought about how impossible it was and started sinking until he left that logical human side of thinking and just called out for help. I wonder what Jesus was thinking as he watched Peter start walking toward him, disregarding the wind and waves, then sink only to look into His face for help. I don't know, but I could guess by the time that Peter was embracing Him He must have been grinning- on the other side of the risk. That's the relief part. And something more. Confidence too I suppose. It makes you stronger when you get on the other side of it.

I think it's good, this risk stuff. It strips you down. It makes you who you become. That and a bunch of other stuff, but it's one of those things you can't replace in this living process of growing and learning. I'm so glad that God designed us to need Him. It's not humiliating to need Him or anyone really. It's just real honest life to the fullest I think. It's hard to admit though. It's part of risk too though~ admitting what you know in the deepest part of your heart. Pride is such a deceitful thing. I hate it sometimes. The kind of pride that's like a monkey on your back twisting your ear to make you turn right or left at whim instead of letting that still small voice inside guide you.

And so. Let those lemon drops melt away. Pop 'em in your mouth and enjoy that tart sweet sensation sliding down your throat.

All at once

As I sit here, drinking a cup of hopefully very decafinated coffee, I'm finally able to catch a breath or two. Maybe three... but they close soon so maybe not. I should come here at 6 in the morning when they're first open so I can have my breathing space and some time to think alone.

So many things have happened this summer... and as I write this I should be rescheduling and reorganizing a certain responsibility that I have. Instead, everytime I think about shutting down my brain to do so, I'm gently lulled back into my wondering thoughts by the hum of the machinery nearby and the soft country melodies that are in the room. I find myself even harmonizing with the players as they charm their way across their stringed instruments so comfortably well. My gaze rests on the wall to my left where an abundance of photographs hang and I'm distracted with the realization that I have a scheduled showing of my own coming up all too soon for my busy self. There's a couple across the way that are talking about a trip into the Bob... *sigh* so much, so much.

My story has many turns in it. Many forks in the road. Many rivers to cross. Many mountains to summit. My parents are moving in a month and methinks I will miss them too much for me to think about right now. When a family is very nearly shackled together for ten years it is hard to know what to do without that constant pull, that constant someone to lean on, that constant laughter, that constant...disagreement and then compromise. But they go with all of my best thoughts for their betterment. I know this is a good way. This will bring the rest of the family together with us much more and maybe, just maybe, perhaps, they will see Jesus and come to Him too. That would be beautiful... oh if only.

My dad and mom are getting to the time in their lives when they wake up and groan to get out of bed... who am I kidding, at 24 I groan a little too. Point being, I've realized they are not as young as they once were and that makes me a little worried. That must be selfish somehow though. The other day Dad was saying that if one of us kids went to heaven first he would be jealous because he has an old body to keep trying living with. Or something along those lines. It made me laugh to watch him put on his fake pout and stoutly express his distaste of the idea.

As it happens, Mom found out the other day that she has problemos with her gall bladder. Of all times. They leave in month. But surely if we've been through all that other hum drum gub gub over the years we can definately deal with a gall bladder right? But then Dad is going in for an MRI so they can pick over his brain and see if he has something ticking around up there that shouldn't be. poof. We shall see what will come to pass.

It's overcast outside. I like the overcast summer sky. It pulls me. So does that music. Ope a key change, how nice.

And so. Time goes on and time will tell and the grandfather of time will carry me away on his long white beard.

Caring too much.

It's 12:04 am, Sunday, the 25th of April. Or 26th, rather. The days have been mushing together lately. I don't like that.

I watched a movie tonight that was...moving, to say the least. I wanted to get up in the middle of it. But I also wanted to stay and see what happened. I'm such an optimist. There always has to be a happy ending...of sorts. Sometimes I'm ok with what is considered the opposite of a happy ending, but tonight...my mind was in turmoil. I began to wonder if I cared too much. Caring...caring.... considerate, compassionate, sympathetic... wanting it to be better, but knowing it can't be, not in this life.

My chest hurt. A lot. I didn't know what to do with the pain... I just kept throwing ideas around until the hurt came out. I started asking why it had to be so painful. The pain of misunderstanding the mysterious blend of beauty and anguish. Why.... why... "My grace is sufficient for you...My grace is sufficient for you...My grace is sufficient for you..." That's what He gave me, as I drove with sobs of tears trying to all squeeze out of me at once. But I still asked why... and I got the same answer. "My grace is sufficient for you..." Over and over again.

If I was hurting so much about caring, I thought, maybe I cared too much? But how is that possible? "Blessed are the merciful, for they will obtain mercy."

I felt so much, in those moments. I guess I've put off feeling for awhile. I got so taken away with doing.

Tonight I realized many things. One of which was that if I did not feel the pain of caring, I would cease to care. If I hated the pain of watching someone else in pain, then I would ultimately shut it out, trying to make it stop, but in reality would be denying compassion, grace, love. If I hated my pain, I could not accept His pain for me. I'm a simple human child who doesn't understand that without pain, we would not understand the lack of it or appreciate the lack of it.

I praise my Father, who understands me...us...and knows it's hard here because He was here too and experienced it all first hand. Every pain from beginning to end. From having to turn His back on the pain His own Son was receiving at our hands, to feeling the rejection He turned His back on. Seeing his own dearest and most loved friends, run away when He needed them most...but knowing that was the only way to save them, by letting them cease loving Him and caring for Him for just that short time. Long enough to prove He didn't need their love, because He is Love... He is sufficient. He cared so much He let pain overtake Him so we might have a chance to see His grace that He's holding out and to accept it if we would.

Thank You for caring. I don't understand it, and sometimes I don't want to accept it because I like to understand the mysteries clearly and undeniably, but that's ok. I'm a Job...we all are. And God is still God. Forever. Beyond time. He is, and "I am not." No one could care too much, because He didn't and doesn't.

~Inspired by life, pain, grace, Jesus.
~"I am not." quote by Louie Giglio, I Am Not, but I Know I Am
~Other quotes by Jesus Christ 33 A.D. Lives on still 2009 A.D.

Writing at Midnight

I haven't written in such a long time! I've often wanted to, but always opted for a little sleep instead because if you don't sleep you won't be able to get as much done the next day.
Anyways, despite all the busy hum drum, I've been yearning to go outside and chill out getting some sun, but I haven't done much of that yet. Actually, except a walk of a few blocks on main street last week, I haven't felt the sun on my face or the breeze in my hair at all. Kinda sad, but necessary right now.
Instead of going on and on about boring hum drum, I'll tell you about an amazing God moment I had last week between everything that was going on.
I'd been bustling around town getting stuff done all day. On my way home I turned the radio on and one of my favorite songs came on talking about how God reigns. That was fine and dandy and gave me goose bumps, because it was completely applicable to where I'm at right now, but that wasn't the God moment I want to tell you about. It was very windy out and as I parked the car, listening to this song, I looked into my side mirror. It was at the chorus part where the choir is saying " our God reigns, our God reigns," and I saw our neighbors horses running in the wind. Until last summer, I didn't know that when horses ran in the wind they were actually playing and enjoying the wildness of the shifty breezes. I couldn't help but smile. God reigns. He created horses to enjoy such a little detail in creation (that some would consider a great annoyance) such as wind. I was so glad to see them, their manes and tales flying in the wind as they ran. It was only a glimpse in that little mirror, but it was enough for me to know God was saying to me "Danielle, I reign. And if I can give a horse a little personality to enjoy the wind, I can take care of you when things are not so enjoyable. If I care enough to give you this moment, I can perform miracles for you. With Me, all things are possible, because I will help you." I felt so loved.

Geese in the sky.

This morning I woke up, very groggily rolled out of bed, after trying to make my brain and eyes compute the passages of scripture I was reading, then headed down stairs. On the way I smelled the most excellent scent in the air. Coffee. Ah... just what I needed too. I went straight for the coffee, grabbed an English muffin, put a little honey on it, and sat down in the living room with Mum and Da for a cozy little chat. That was nice. It always is.
Later, as I was getting ready for the day, I heard the hopeful sound of Canadian geese honking away as they begin to fly back to their spring and summer resting grounds. Spring must be near! I went to the window and nearly crushed the blind as I tried to peer out to see the birds that were making so much racket. The cloud cover was so thick that I couldn't see even a hint of stirring air as they beat their wings through the density. It sounded like a multitude, but not even a glimpse could I see.
I think those birds are a lot like my destiny in Christ. Presently, I can hear the beauty, hear the plan, hear the vastness, hear the way it seems to be going... but I can't see it. I know that I'm right where God wants me, but inside I have this deep unrelenting jargon that I keep sensing is something bigger is going on. Maybe what is happening is the plan, and I can't quite see all the detail of this intricate pattern, because I'm on the messy side. Turn it over and you get a Persian rug that you can't see till you're in Heaven? Perhaps.
In the mean time, I'll sit here, take an occasional bite of my Mom's fresh, hot, dribbled with sweetened whipped cream, rhubarb crisp and blog. Mmmmm.... it's so tart and yet so sweet and tangy and melting and, and.... mmmmmmhhhmmmmm. I must go finish it, before it gets cold.

My Brother, John

Just kidding! not my brother John but more along the lines of the book of John. No, not my brother John's diary, but more like the disciple that Jesus loved, that John. Plus, my brother John does not have a diary... that I know of, and I pretty much know everything there is to know about John, my brother, so I would know if he had a diary. That's my material point.

My other material point (actually question) is as follows, sorta.

I just finished reading the book of John today and something has been both pleasing me and bugging me about this particular disciple. The pleasing part is that John believed Jesus and trusted him without any doubts, questions, or such. I think that is something that I struggle with, this trust thing, even though my brain says to me "yes, you do trust... trust Jesus, missy, yes, trust... I do... you do! I believe in Jesus because he forgives me... oh wait... um... yes, you do! but... oh that's right I trust, etc..." It's an ongoing thing for me to lay down my desire to be in personal control of my fate, my this or my that... so anyways, I think that's why I really really really really really admire John. He just lets go and does it. There's someone to learn from for ya.

The bugging part is that John always refers to himself as the "disciple whom Jesus loves." Is he bragging? Is he just stating a fact? Or is he relishing the fact that Jesus loved him? It seems that by stating this about himself, in his own book, none the less, he's pointing it out to the world... If I was the one of the other disciples I would be slightly... um miffed. The brainy part of me says that Jesus totally loved all his disciples equally and he just got along with John and "loved" him best because he trusted Him most. But it still bugs me that John talks about himself as the "disciple whom Jesus loved" in every portion of the book of John. Maybe he didn't want to talk about himself in the third person... which isn't he doing that anyways? I don't know, it just bugs me, and I'm trying to get over it. I'm really trying to, really. It just bugs me that's all. What do you think?

Leaves

Ok, so in the previous blog I said the film I used for the pics I posted was damaged (true story) and that they were grainy and crackly. Well, of course they were grainy. That's what film does when it's 3200 speed. The silver halide crystals will show up guaranteed. The point is this: I didn't even upload pics that had the damage I was trying to describe. Plus the damage is really more scratchy then crackly. So, you shall see in this picture of my friend that it is not only scratchy, but very cool.















Now that I have that off my chest I will procede to talk about leaves like my title promises and even though it is not fall, but the dead of winter that is slightly tricksy at times with a peek of spring.... Anyways. I love leaves as well as black and white, so here is a combination of the two.






Here I'm holding a bunch of leaves AND holding a slightly heavy SLR that I'm trying to make disappear in my shadow. Looks like a piece of cake? Try keeping an eye on the kids your babysitting, hold the large camera at just the right spot in your own shadow and then take the shot. Oh yes, you are right, it was fun.





This is my favorite b/w leaf pic. oh the texture, the shadow... lovely.



You may be wondering how I got these film pics from film to 'puter. Well, its the magic of the scanner, what else can I say? Actually, I have to say it's the magic of getting someone else to use their magical scanner until your bank account magically overdrafts. Definitely magical... almost dreamlike.

Black and White

These are some pictures I've taken. The film was slightly damaged so there is some grain and crackly look that came as I took the shot, not because of photo shop. I have a film SLR. I love using it, but film and the developing process is now more expensive then digital, so I tend to lay low in the photography field I desire to enter so much.

Hwy 2 looking west- I love this shot. I embodies my desire to travel. It also makes me reflect on where I've been and where I want to go.

Even though sunflowers usually referenced because of their bright and intense color, look how much detail is in the texture and angles! I don't think I would have noticed as much if this photo was in color.

This is my brother, Mark. He has the best smiley eyes I've ever seen. In color, this was partly lost, but with b/w you catch more emotion. If I'd had a little slower shutter speed I might have been able to get some catch lights in his eyes... hard to do when he's driving and you're in the back seat swaying to and fro while he drives through Colorado Springs traffic. So much fun!

First post. I feel weird coming on.

This is my very first post in the grand world of blogging. I feel a growing feeling of weird coming on because I don't know exactly what to say except "hello, I like green, but I'm not a tree hugging personage." So, yes that's all I have to say for now. Stay tuned, it might get more interesting without warning.