Saturday, August 15, 2009

Just jump, darling

Hello again.

It rained again today and as I drove home, with the clear drops of water smacking against my slightly dinged windshield, I couldn't help but think. That's what rain does to me. It sinks me into a realm I rarely dare to tread in. Actually, that's an understatement. I like to think, but just don't take the time.

This summer has been quite a journey for me. A journey to learn to risk... not be afraid of taking a chance now and again. That's living after all. I can't expect everything to go the way I initially thought... that's just silly. But it's hard, oh so hard to let go of my personal thoughts and ideas.

Risk is taking hold of an offered hand to let them help you. Risk is singing when you feel like it or dancing even when the tune can only be heard by you. (grin, yes I've done this... too fun) Trust is a risk. Trusting that someone will be in the foxhole with you no matter what is something you can't guarantee will be unconditional beforehand. That's why it's trust. Trust or love. You could interchange those two sometimes. Both are hard, though one is more of a mystery than the other. Which is beautiful in a way I suppose. I bet most don't want to really think about it because if they did they'd have to accept that you can't wholly grasp what it is or how it works... it's a risk. Shutting your eyes and jumping.

Wednesday, Kevin was talking about how Peter got out of the boat and walked to Jesus... he abandoned his ship to walk on the water. Who does that? No one really. In fact, Peter briefly thought about how impossible it was and started sinking until he left that logical human side of thinking and just called out for help. I wonder what Jesus was thinking as he watched Peter start walking toward him, disregarding the wind and waves, then sink only to look into His face for help. I don't know, but I could guess by the time that Peter was embracing Him He must have been grinning- on the other side of the risk. That's the relief part. And something more. Confidence too I suppose. It makes you stronger when you get on the other side of it.

I think it's good, this risk stuff. It strips you down. It makes you who you become. That and a bunch of other stuff, but it's one of those things you can't replace in this living process of growing and learning. I'm so glad that God designed us to need Him. It's not humiliating to need Him or anyone really. It's just real honest life to the fullest I think. It's hard to admit though. It's part of risk too though~ admitting what you know in the deepest part of your heart. Pride is such a deceitful thing. I hate it sometimes. The kind of pride that's like a monkey on your back twisting your ear to make you turn right or left at whim instead of letting that still small voice inside guide you.

And so. Let those lemon drops melt away. Pop 'em in your mouth and enjoy that tart sweet sensation sliding down your throat.

Friday, August 7, 2009

All at once

As I sit here, drinking a cup of hopefully very decafinated coffee, I'm finally able to catch a breath or two. Maybe three... but they close soon so maybe not. I should come here at 6 in the morning when they're first open so I can have my breathing space and some time to think alone.

So many things have happened this summer... and as I write this I should be rescheduling and reorganizing a certain responsibility that I have. Instead, everytime I think about shutting down my brain to do so, I'm gently lulled back into my wondering thoughts by the hum of the machinery nearby and the soft country melodies that are in the room. I find myself even harmonizing with the players as they charm their way across their stringed instruments so comfortably well. My gaze rests on the wall to my left where an abundance of photographs hang and I'm distracted with the realization that I have a scheduled showing of my own coming up all too soon for my busy self. There's a couple across the way that are talking about a trip into the Bob... *sigh* so much, so much.

My story has many turns in it. Many forks in the road. Many rivers to cross. Many mountains to summit. My parents are moving in a month and methinks I will miss them too much for me to think about right now. When a family is very nearly shackled together for ten years it is hard to know what to do without that constant pull, that constant someone to lean on, that constant laughter, that constant...disagreement and then compromise. But they go with all of my best thoughts for their betterment. I know this is a good way. This will bring the rest of the family together with us much more and maybe, just maybe, perhaps, they will see Jesus and come to Him too. That would be beautiful... oh if only.

My dad and mom are getting to the time in their lives when they wake up and groan to get out of bed... who am I kidding, at 24 I groan a little too. Point being, I've realized they are not as young as they once were and that makes me a little worried. That must be selfish somehow though. The other day Dad was saying that if one of us kids went to heaven first he would be jealous because he has an old body to keep trying living with. Or something along those lines. It made me laugh to watch him put on his fake pout and stoutly express his distaste of the idea.

As it happens, Mom found out the other day that she has problemos with her gall bladder. Of all times. They leave in month. But surely if we've been through all that other hum drum gub gub over the years we can definately deal with a gall bladder right? But then Dad is going in for an MRI so they can pick over his brain and see if he has something ticking around up there that shouldn't be. poof. We shall see what will come to pass.

It's overcast outside. I like the overcast summer sky. It pulls me. So does that music. Ope a key change, how nice.

And so. Time goes on and time will tell and the grandfather of time will carry me away on his long white beard.