Saturday, April 25, 2009

Caring too much.

It's 12:04 am, Sunday, the 25th of April. Or 26th, rather. The days have been mushing together lately. I don't like that.

I watched a movie tonight that was...moving, to say the least. I wanted to get up in the middle of it. But I also wanted to stay and see what happened. I'm such an optimist. There always has to be a happy ending...of sorts. Sometimes I'm ok with what is considered the opposite of a happy ending, but mind was in turmoil. I began to wonder if I cared too much. Caring...caring.... considerate, compassionate, sympathetic... wanting it to be better, but knowing it can't be, not in this life.

My chest hurt. A lot. I didn't know what to do with the pain... I just kept throwing ideas around until the hurt came out. I started asking why it had to be so painful. The pain of misunderstanding the mysterious blend of beauty and anguish. Why.... why... "My grace is sufficient for you...My grace is sufficient for you...My grace is sufficient for you..." That's what He gave me, as I drove with sobs of tears trying to all squeeze out of me at once. But I still asked why... and I got the same answer. "My grace is sufficient for you..." Over and over again.

If I was hurting so much about caring, I thought, maybe I cared too much? But how is that possible? "Blessed are the merciful, for they will obtain mercy."

I felt so much, in those moments. I guess I've put off feeling for awhile. I got so taken away with doing.

Tonight I realized many things. One of which was that if I did not feel the pain of caring, I would cease to care. If I hated the pain of watching someone else in pain, then I would ultimately shut it out, trying to make it stop, but in reality would be denying compassion, grace, love. If I hated my pain, I could not accept His pain for me. I'm a simple human child who doesn't understand that without pain, we would not understand the lack of it or appreciate the lack of it.

I praise my Father, who understands knows it's hard here because He was here too and experienced it all first hand. Every pain from beginning to end. From having to turn His back on the pain His own Son was receiving at our hands, to feeling the rejection He turned His back on. Seeing his own dearest and most loved friends, run away when He needed them most...but knowing that was the only way to save them, by letting them cease loving Him and caring for Him for just that short time. Long enough to prove He didn't need their love, because He is Love... He is sufficient. He cared so much He let pain overtake Him so we might have a chance to see His grace that He's holding out and to accept it if we would.

Thank You for caring. I don't understand it, and sometimes I don't want to accept it because I like to understand the mysteries clearly and undeniably, but that's ok. I'm a Job...we all are. And God is still God. Forever. Beyond time. He is, and "I am not." No one could care too much, because He didn't and doesn't.

~Inspired by life, pain, grace, Jesus.
~"I am not." quote by Louie Giglio, I Am Not, but I Know I Am
~Other quotes by Jesus Christ 33 A.D. Lives on still 2009 A.D.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Writing at Midnight

I haven't written in such a long time! I've often wanted to, but always opted for a little sleep instead because if you don't sleep you won't be able to get as much done the next day.
Anyways, despite all the busy hum drum, I've been yearning to go outside and chill out getting some sun, but I haven't done much of that yet. Actually, except a walk of a few blocks on main street last week, I haven't felt the sun on my face or the breeze in my hair at all. Kinda sad, but necessary right now.
Instead of going on and on about boring hum drum, I'll tell you about an amazing God moment I had last week between everything that was going on.
I'd been bustling around town getting stuff done all day. On my way home I turned the radio on and one of my favorite songs came on talking about how God reigns. That was fine and dandy and gave me goose bumps, because it was completely applicable to where I'm at right now, but that wasn't the God moment I want to tell you about. It was very windy out and as I parked the car, listening to this song, I looked into my side mirror. It was at the chorus part where the choir is saying " our God reigns, our God reigns," and I saw our neighbors horses running in the wind. Until last summer, I didn't know that when horses ran in the wind they were actually playing and enjoying the wildness of the shifty breezes. I couldn't help but smile. God reigns. He created horses to enjoy such a little detail in creation (that some would consider a great annoyance) such as wind. I was so glad to see them, their manes and tales flying in the wind as they ran. It was only a glimpse in that little mirror, but it was enough for me to know God was saying to me "Danielle, I reign. And if I can give a horse a little personality to enjoy the wind, I can take care of you when things are not so enjoyable. If I care enough to give you this moment, I can perform miracles for you. With Me, all things are possible, because I will help you." I felt so loved.